W. C. Fields
48 quotes
Biography
William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C.
"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."
"Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia."
"Never give a sucker an even break."
"And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast."
"She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave."
"Who knows what's funny?"
"I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two."
"Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch ..."
"Whilst<!-- Did he really say "whilst", or is this a British misinterpretation. Most Americans say "while". --> traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days."
"If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for."
"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for. (Variant: 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.)"
"I never voted for anybody. I always voted against."
"Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times."
"The story goes that a polite young lady journalist invited him to lunch at Chasen's in hope of a story. Lunch in his case was a liquid affair, and left him uncommunicative. Noticing the passion with which he shooed away the hovering waiter with the ice water jug, she seized an opening. "Mr. Fields, could you tell me the reason for your well-known aversion to water?" "Delighted, my dear," he replied with suddenly increased bonhomie. "Never touch the stuff—very unhealthy. Fish fuck in it.""
"It was a woman who drove me to drink—and you know, I never bothered to thank her."
"No water—I never touch water. Fish make love in it."
"Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
"Bill Fields walked in the first day, reeking of liquor. He came over and apologized to me. Understand, I was in awe of his talents. I said, "Mr. Fields, on you it smells like eau de cologne," and he brightened up. A very sweet egomaniac."
"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."
"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."
"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink."
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."